It was utter chaos here this morning. Day two of back to school and it’s already hit the fan. Thing 2 has her usual schedule and usual bus. But Thing 1 is navigating high school. A big one with 5,000+ students. With a zillion buses and morning traffic in total gridlock, I’d be hard-pressed to get within a mile radius of the campus if I dared drive her.
It’s very much a work in progress, but we’ll figure it out. I’m not the first parent in the neighborhood with a high schooler and I won’t be the last. We were all in high school once and we lived to tell about it, right?
Which brings me to today’s topic. Asking for help.
I’m not the best at this. I value independence and the ability to find solutions on my own. I am not necessarily proud of this as I well know networking is a great skill. Memories of corporate functions come to mind where people walk around sizing each other up, deciding who can do what for them. The takers.
While I rarely ask for help, I’m happy to help others. As a stay at home mom, I can be flexible. Mine is the door others drop their kids off at if they have an early appointment. I’m there to get kids off the bus after school too if their parents have something going on or are running late. I don’t mind, to an extent, but some have come to rely on me too much, in my opinion. To the point that sometimes I feel taken for granted.
With the new high school in the mix, getting Thing 1 to school makes it VERY challenging to get Thing 2 on her bus. A neighbor offered to drive Thing 1 today, which was awesome. I did not ask, but heck yeah I jumped at the offer. I’ve helped this neighbor out too many times to count.
Then it occurred to me. I’m counting. If I’m keeping tabs on good deeds in vs good deeds out, am I truly a giver? Turns out there’s a word for people like me:
We’re called Matchers. Turns out most of the population is comprised of Matchers.
We “keep score” so to speak. While I’m not looking for quid pro quo on every good deed I do, I guess I was happy to accept help from someone I’d helped countless times in the past. It’s the nature of give and take, right?
So morning came, Thing 1 got up and was ready to head over to the neighbor who offered to drive her. Their garage was closed. The ride never materialized. It sent me into a taxi-mom tailspin. Why offer to do something then not do it?
Where do you fall on the spectrum: Giver? Taker? Matcher? Is it hard for you to ask for help?
I’m linking up today with Amanda for Thinking Out Loud Thursday.
I’m definitely a giver. I get so uncomfortable when people give to me that I make them uncomfortable. I’m working on it though. I try to remind myself to let others feel good about giving which makes it less about me and more about them.
I guess it’s human nature to want to feel “even” with someone. If we have a conscious, we don’t want to just take, of course you do have to watch, because there are a lot of people who will take and expect it even. I can’t understand how their brains tick…
I have a very hard time asking for help and rarely do I. (unless it is my hubby lol)
I really don’t mind helping someone if I can though 🙂
O my, I would have been so angry about them offering a ride and then not doing it. Your poor daughter. You make some very good points with your “matching” comment!
I have a tough time asking for help too – I tend to just try to marshall through on my own. Cannot believe your neighbor didn’t come through on the ride offer! Hope the high school routine gets easier soon!
I hadn’t thought of that before. I guess I am a matcher. I hesitate to ask for help – have always been independent. And I really hate to ask for help unless I feel I am likely to be able to reciprocate. Good luck getting the new routine sorted out!!
I’m with you. I”m not good at asking for help. Actually, i’m always surprised at people who have no problem leaning on me. I get asked a lot for medical advice, which is really putting me in a tough position. What if I help someone and it doesn’t turn out well. Do these people know I”m not covered for this kind of stuff?
People. Sigh.
Usually the giver. I don’t like to ask favors.
I am a giver, and get super freaked out when people don’t hold up their end of the bargain.
I cannot even imagine what goes through the heads of people who are always “takers”. How could you offer to do something like drive a child to school and then just bail? It blows my mind. Sorry you had to deal with that! But on the plus side, I’m sure your kids notice what kind of person you are and will follow in your footsteps.
I think I am definitely a giver though my husband would probably say I’m a taker, haha! I think it is definitely human nature to want to feel “even”, my mom operates that way for sure.
Definitely a giver, but also realize it’s human nature to want to feel something in return! Very interesting post!
Definitely a giver and a volunteerer as well! I don’t like asking for help either. We are an odd group. Can’t believe you are back in school-we have 3 more weeks!
Oh no, so sorry to hear that the neighbor that offered did not come through. Not cool. I am a giver and hate asking for help unless I really need it. I would say that I am a matcher though too. I don’t think it hurts to count if you don’t expect anything in return. I’d say I count just to keep tabs, it’s natural. 😉
That sucks your neighbour didn’t deliver on their promise. I definitely have difficulty accepting help. I value my independence but sometimes it’s just worth it to take the help.
Loved this, I am a giver, sometimes I wish I was more of a taker. I often feel like people take advantage of me for being such a giver, I am learning to say No more though.
This is so interesting! I’m so sorry that neighbor didn’t follow through. What the heck. I think I’m a giver, but I do get annoyed when I feel like I’m giving and giving to certain people who don’t ever give back – so maybe I fall somewhere in between giver and matcher?
Ack! That would have made me so mad! I’m not sure I’m a one-for-one matcher, but I know I’m more likely to do favors for people who generally do favors and feel less-bad about asking for a favor for someone I’ve given favors to.
I’m a mix of Giver and a Matcher – I usually don’t expect equal repayment, but if none is forthcoming, you know I notice. 🙂
I think it’s pretty normal, no matter how much of a giver you are to reach a point where you wonder if everyone is taking advantage of you and to kind of keep track of when people do give back. One thing I think that givers have to watch (because I tend to be one) is a sense of martyrdom about their giving. That can lead to actually turning down help, which is weird, but, you know so is a lot of human nature.
I very much get uncomfortable asking people for favours. I realize most people are happy to oblige, but the asking can make me feel icky. This is something I’m working on.
I am the worst at asking people for help. I always want to be able to do things on my own and figure it out for myself!
I am more of a giver, I guess. I am not one to ask for help, but will if needed. I am a stay at home mom too, and it can be very overwhelming at times. 🙂
I have a hard time asking for help and accepting help, even though I LOVE to help people! Isn’t the weird? Sometimes I tell myself that it is okay to accept help because when I help people, it makes me happy, so letting someone help me probably makes them happy too!
What an interesting read. I never thought about being a giver vs a taker. I am one who doesn’t like to ask for favors/help… but am always willing to help others. So… that makes me a giver, I guess. 🙂
This concept is something I have been trying let go of! We can’t keep score , but it is super frustrating when people dont hold their end of the deal!
I am a giver for sure. But i think a hundred times before taking.
I am a giver and a volunteer. I have to admit if I am being honest that I sometimes keep score and I like to be offered help.
I’d like to think I’m a giver. I don’t keep score but maybe I should ask friends and family if I am as much of a giver as I think I am. Interesting.
great post! I would have been thrown in a tail spin too over the whole ride thing. I am a giver but I know in the back of my head I am a counter so I guess I am a matcher. I let mis matched relationships bother me, I will admit and sometimes those come to an end. I hope you have a great week and get the flow going for school 🙂
I think consciously or subconsciously we all keep score to some extent. I would love to say that we don’t, but I think we all know we do. Sorry that your neighbor flaked on you, that is annoying.
DAY ONE of back to school here
and Im focusing on giving LESS and taking (keeping?) more for me.
<3
I think I’m a mix. a giver for some and taker for other. It’s hard to ask for help sometime and only to those I can trust.
Sad but honestly I can say that I am a taker. It is definitely not a conscious or intentional thing. I think it must link back to me being and only child and center of attention but I am working on it.
Wow, 5,000 students in one high school? That’s bigger than the college I went to! Crazy! I am definitely a giver, and I give way too much and hate asking for help as well. I’ve started getting better at only taking on what I can handle, but I’ve had to make a conscious effort!