For the first time in….well…forever…..my mother-in-law is not cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Typically we rotate between us hosting my family one year, and going to NC where the in-laws host, every other year. If you’re an old-timer around here you may remember the year BIL and his family refused to travel to NC due to very young kiddos. So Hurricane MIL went so far as to rent a house here in the Chicago area so she could still host Thanksgiving. That resulted in an oven fire so dramatic it left us cowering out in the car sharing a Larabar scrounged up out of my purse. Ah warm (smokey) memories.
(source)
This year another baby is on the way so again, BIL and family declined MIL’s order…er I mean invite to NC. The Caveman asked how I felt about hosting everyone here. After a few, ok several deep breaths, I agreed. We both almost fell over when MIL accepted the invite.
I’m probably writing this more for me than anyone else. But if it helps someone through the emotional minefields of holidays, I’m all for it. Some truths to keep in mind:
It’s not about the food. It may seem like the food fuels family drama, but according to cookbook author Sheri Castle, “it’s the memories certain dishes trigger that fuels family drama.” I remember my mom getting ticked at my grandma when she lavished praise on a dish a cousin brought, yet said nothing about my mom’s turkey. In my MIL’s case, she prides herself on excellent cooking and expects to be praised for it, which is fine. What isn’t fine, is she gets very controlling and competitive through cooking and is hyper critical of others’ efforts. So I’m bracing for some critical comments about my cooking, practicing how I’ll consider the source, be the bigger person, and let them roll off my back….hopefully.
It’s not about you. When people direct negative barbs your way, it’s most often a reflection of their own inner turmoil and insecurities. Or they could just be making ignorant, thoughtless comments that aren’t worth getting upset over. Easier said than done, but the holiday table isn’t the place to hold a grudge match or dig up wrongs that happened 10 years ago.
Set boundaries. I pretty much know that my MIL will want command of the kitchen. If this works for you, fine. It does not work for me. I accepted her offer to bring a dish but I’m going to have as much done ahead of time to reduce stress. Have a plan in place: Assign her something to keep her busy and out of your hair. I’m going to have mine do crafts with the grandkids…in the basement…
Go in with a positive intention and expectation. If you expect a holiday gathering to go badly, chances are it probably will. Remember the reason you’re gathering is to be grateful and enjoy each other’s company….then set those place cards at the table strategically.
Load up on endorphins. You knew I had to say that, right? You’d better believe I’ve got a turkey trot or 3 planned. Even if you’re not a runner, schedule some time for yourself, even if it means going out for a quick walk. Fresh air is a great decompressor.
How do you deal with family drama at the holidays?
ahhh great tips. I think once I started going in to it with an eye for humor I was much better equipped to handle “personalities”
Amanda I think finding the humor in it is my coping mechanism. 🙂
That turkey trot will be a great stress releaser. Plus you’ll be running it with some awesome ladies!
You’re so right Wendy! 😀
Amazing insight on a dish digging up memories. I have an aunt who likes to do the cooking and LOVES/expects compliments. She HATES it if anybody else gets a compliment.
Holidays can be stressful when they should be pleasant. I love that you suggested to load up on endorphins and that you have crafts … in the basement. Smart lady!
Not a lot of family around anymore but typically the ones around – we do fine. Now years past – that is a whole other story! 🙂
Hi. I’m a new follower. Thanks for stopping by my blog too! I’m so grateful my MIL still does Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, I am required to do Christmas dinner…kicking and screaming of course. I have a SIL who won’t eat anything I cook. (WHY are you here?) Loved your post on NYC.
Yay! Thanks for dropping by HoHo! Thankfully I am off the hook on Christmas. 🙂
Wine!!!
Oh, just kidding (sort of) since my family doesn’t drink (except my younger brother and fav sis-in-law). Mostly we just get together with that brother and his wife – they are the only ones who ever come to KS – everyone else thinks we should drive to TX for all the holidays. We used to but I nixed that a few years ago after one to many unpleasant holidays.
Chris’ family is not much better but the get-togethers usually on last for a couple hours so I just smile and go along with whatever.
Glad you have some strategies in place for the upcoming visit!
I haven’t even heard from one relative about Thanksgiving or Christmas. Guess I’ve been removed from the family. Can we all come out to your festivities? I’m sure a few more won’t matter!! 😉
xo
Come on over Jill! You’ll dilute the toxicity!
there are sibling issues on my dad’s side so they end up arguing or with tension- but i find it comical. this year will be easier because my mom will be out of town (with her boyfriend) and i can just spend the day with my dad and don’t have to go back and forth and have 2 thanksgivings. i’m hoping everyone mind’s their Ps and Qs at your house! i’m doing a turkey trot, too- that should help you. and love your idea of already having most things done and keeping her in charge of crafts :):)
Grin, bear it, and leave as soon as possible (not an option for you this year)
We don’t have too much drama over here– good luck! You are awesome. I always do Thanksgiving- it’s my favorite- Last year I had a huge group– this year it’s just us and my parents and I am trilled to have less!
Best post I’ve read in years. I generally deal with drama by getting drunk– JK. Really, now that we live in SoCal and my in laws are back east, it’s free of drama here, but it’s also very quiet. This year we are inviting a bunch of our friends over… I am really looking forward to that. Hoping it will be good friends, and fun.
Lots of wine:) Just kidding, sort of. I try to just relax and focus on having fun! I am usually ok with letting things go, and I like to be able to laugh about it later with my husband. I think most importantly we focus on remembering that we are on the same side of it all, and don’t let it cause tension between us.
Finding the humor is the way to go.
We also started a new tradition when we began hosting, something fun that was just us. After Thanksgiving dinner is over and everyone is stuffed and has relaxed for a bit we have a gingerbread man decorating contest, a fun way to say adios to Thanksgiving and usher in Christmas with family.
You have no idea how much I needed this today. I was already starting to rock in the corner thinking about the upcoming Thanksgiving family togetherness that is about to converge upon us. I’m going to use “It’s not about me” as my Thanksgiving mantra! EXCELLENT POST!! –Lisa
I just read an article in Bon Appetite magazine last night about this very topic.
I think for me, I try not to stress over the holiday meals etc because for 20 years I didn’t get to spend the holidays with my famiy, so regardless of drama, stress, and control I still relish in the fact I get to be with my family. 🙂
I’m glad we only have to deal with Christmas over here. And I’m really glad that my MIL lives interstate.
He, he. I love your MIL stories…
I so agree that it’s not about the food. It pains me that we can turn holidays into a big stressful mess all over a meal. And it’s soooo true that runs are necessary at this time of year!
If MIL knows best I’d get her involved. Give her some cooking tasks to help out so she is part of the success or failure.
Having a sense of humor does help!
With a critical MIL I’d be tempted to pick up a ready-made Thanksgiving dinner from Safeway, and not say anything til after the meal. If I heard one complaint, I’d just smile and confess that I thought we all needed a year off 😉
Hope it goes smoothly!
Raina I have entertained that exact thought! It still may happen! Not sure I’d admit to it though. 😉
I know I’ve said it before but I really think our MILs should hang out! I have leaned to minimize family drama in recent years by being much better at setting my boundaries, finding the humor in every situation and keeping a full glass of wine 😉 Hope Thanksgiving goes smoothly – I’m off the hock and headed to my brother’s this year.
I love this!!! Hello 🙂 I just discovered your blog via Day with KT … and girl … I totally have MIL stories. I’m too scared to post them online. hahaha!