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I just got back from Thing 2’s book fair at school. They visited yesterday, assembled their ‘wish lists’ then visited again today to make purchases. I met Thing 2 there, got her a couple of books and, since I’m a pushover, some animal erasers she wanted….plus we bought a couple of things for her classroom. Here’s where it gets sticky. She wanted me to buy a Mutant Ninja Turtle book for her music teacher. Because “he loves the MNT’s” (for the record this request was flatly denied). Then she begged me to get something for her friend who forgot to bring money. It crossed my mind that her friend may not be allowed to get anything, but then I agreed. Then, when the girl placed a POS necklace on the checkout counter, I felt kind of foolish. I would never have allowed Thing 2 to squander money on a junky necklace and I’d be mortified if someone else’s parent bought her anything. Yet here I was doing it. As if this all weren’t enough, I learned as I was leaving that Thing 2 had brought $3 of her own money and given it to someone else.
In a nutshell, at the precious age of 8, Thing 2 is a very sweet, thoughtful and generous girl. I love that about her. BUT, and I feel like the wicked witch here saying this, while generosity is a marvelous thing, I think hers may be going too far. Scenes of people pleasers and those who ‘buy’ friendships flash through my head. Not to mention I worry about low self-esteem.
What do you think: Can generosity go too far? Is it a double standard to be willing to buy a book but not a necklace? Can a born ‘over giver’ learn or be taught to temper that trait? Should we even want to rein in generosity?
Tricky situation!!
I totally get your point about not wanting her to try and buy friendships. I also know people who are just naturally givers and aren’t looking for anything in return and if that is Thing #2’s personality I think it’s awesome!! But I can see wanting to keep it under control, too. YIKES – tough one!
With the girl that you bought something for, I would have probably told her she could pick out a BOOK only. (not even sure why the book fairs have all that other stuff – oh yeah, MONEY!)
I get it about not wanting her to buy friendships – I worry about the same thing when my little guy want to bring in loom bracelets for his little friends. I don’t usually say no, but it’s something I think about.
Yes, tricky age & situation! I was a pleaser – way too much so when I was young – low self-esteem & lead to bigger issues as I aged.. I get what you are saying…
That’s such a tough one. You don’t want to squash her natural generosity but on the other hand some kids can be conniving and manipulative. If the impulse to give is coming from your daughter I’d be inclined to go with it. But if her ‘friend’ is whispering in her ear to get the gift I’d be a lot less amenable.
You daughter is so sweet. I teach this age group and it is hard to help them see that they don’t have to do certain things for their friends. There are other things, besides gifts, parts of your lunch, etc. that make you a good friend. Good luck, I am working on all that too and it is tricky with sweet kids like yours.
I used to love those book fairs at my kids’ school. Now I can’t get them to read instructions. Ugh. How sweet that your daughter is so generous. Too bad they sell that crap at the book fair. Kind of bold that the girl asked for that necklace, not a book!
Wendy I think that’s why I was so shocked. It never occurred to me there would be a freaking necklace for sale there.
I can see your concerns, and share them for my own kids. I am not sure how I would react in the moment. (probably depends on how much money I had in cash). But standing back, this seems like a good “learn from it” situation. Would your daughter have been willing to do a chore to earn the money to buy her friend the gift? I dunno… I am not the most generous person. My own kids astonish me with their generosity at times. You will be well prepared next time a similar situation comes up!
Yes, I agree! Sometimes you can take it too far. I have in the past, and people have taken advantage and left me feeling miserable (not to mention broke). I think you need to be generous, but only through random acts of kindness for other humans, or for those who care about you and you know will always be true to you. Interesting topic though, thanks for bringing it up!
as a fourth grade teacher…. NO itz not a double standard to buy books and not the junky stuff at those book fairs!!!!!!!!!!!!
Generosity can go too far. I worry about kids who try to buy friends, it does happen. I am guessing your daughter has plenty of friends and this is not her reason. I don’t allow kids to buy things for each other. I don’t know if it would be okay with the parents. Other kids get their feelings hurt. If they want to trade toys and all that fun stuff they need to do it outside of school. Of course they do it anyways and often someone gets mad in the process. I hate the junk at book fairs and in book orders!
Yep, I think you can be too generous. I feel like I’ve gotten run flat over too many times for being too willing to give fully and not ever receive anything in return. It’s frustrating and a hard lesson to learn when you want so badly to do for others to see them happy.
I’d hate to curb her generosity, my kids are the same way. We’re just trying to figure out how to channel it rather than dissuade them.
This is very interesting to me, because I come from a very generous family and am over giving by nature. But I feel so bad when my mom gives me something I don’t want or see as junk and I worry that I do that to others.
Since when do they sell more than books at the bookfair? That was definitely my favorite time of the year!
Kari this threw me too. I expect books, bookmarks and maybe pens/pencils and fun erasers. Totally did not expect and did not appreciate necklaces. I think I’m going to say something.
This is a tough one. I have always been very giving and love to share. I guess the “teachable moment” is to ask your daughter why she gave her money to her friend and how she felt about the friend who bought the necklace. I guess the thing that is important is that she feels like the generosity is reciprocated or would be if she was in need of money/support.
Oh my. I have no advice cause I am not a parent. Just want to say that I think it is wonderful that you are so aware and so thoughtful. I am sure the two of you are going to have an interesting conversation! 🙂
I have this same problem with my kids and even my husband–sometimes they will sacrifice themselves at the cost “being kind” I am with you, that they need to understand the difference between giving and trying to be a pleaser.
You’re a good mom with a super sweet kid. These are challenging issues to be sure! I would say the lovely generosity trait can be tempered and trained to be reined in without being lost. And I would definitely speak up about the availability of POS necklaces.
And I deeply appreciate you correctly using “rein” instead of “reign”…I see it all too often the other way in Blogland.
That’s sweet that your daughter gave her money away. I think I would feel swindled by a kid that took advantage of my generosity and bought a POS anything. Then again, it depends on the kids background. If it made the kids’ day because the family didn’t have any disposable income, I’d be all for it.
What an awkward situation! I remember when I was a child, there were two instances where my parents took one of my friends and me shopping and my friend asked to borrow money to buy something. My parents would oblige, but neither of my friends ever paid the money back. I think it is very possible to be too generous, and sadly you never know when someone might be trying to get something for nothing. But it can be so tough to draw the line on keeping things under control. UGH.
Yes, it can go too far. I often had discussions with Ryan because she would give away her things to others who couldn’t afford them. Or spend her money on them. I finally had to put my foot down.
Also not a double standard on the necklace. It was a book fair. The kids should get a book.
Despite the talks it’s hard to keep the generosity under control. On the up side Ryan is one of those people who won’t say anything bad about anyone. I kind of think those traits go together.
Oh-gosh. We just had a book fair at the kids’ school. I HATE how they parade them through the store making a wishlist and bringing it home to mom to spit out money. That is not how our kids get gifts. This year, I had just bought my 2nd grader a whole book series for Valentine’s Day. Plus we go to the public library all the time and have stacks of books spilling around this house. All that being said, I told both girls, “not this time. we don’t need books from the bookfair.” Plus they are so over priced. With all that being said, if another parent had bought them something (after I said no), I would have been kinda pissed and taken it away. I know you are super sweet and just being generous, but I tend to steer clear of situations like that – not knowing what the discussion was at home. My lil one is the type that would make up any story to you to get that necklace. seriously. and then she’d be in trouble when she got home. LOL