Ali over at Running With Spatulas raised a provocative issue that is very timely for me. Meanness vs kindness. Being kind over being right. Judging vs. not judging. Of course we can all be kinder and less judgmental. I like to think that I’ve become kinder with age, probably because I am more content with myself.
But what about dealing with someone who is inherently mean?
The meanest, most manipulative person I’ve ever known paid us a visit this past weekend. As much as I tried not to let it, my stress built to a crescendo last week. The blog went dark. Stress shuts me up, who knew? Stress also adds some much-needed fire to my speed work and tempo runs but otherwise no bueno.
It’s not that I actually believe any of the vitriole this person spews, but having the drama, sniping and negativity in the house is draining to say the least. For too long, I agonized on how to handle this person. I felt like it was my shortcoming that I could not find a way to effectively express myself, defend myself and my family or set sufficient boundaries with this person.
It took years of frustration and finally a therapist to help me realize it wasn’t me…and it was ok to limit exposure or even disconnect completely from this person. Maybe it’s rude, but I tried to see the humor in it too.
This much I know:
- People project their own inadequacies/insecurities and vice versa. Hard as it may be, do not take it personally.
- We tend to be more judgmental and critical of others when we are not feeling satisfied with ourselves.
- Sometimes instances of meanness are brought on by peer pressure/crowd mentality.
- Like anything else, when you participate in meanness/pettiness long enough it becomes habitual.
On yesterday’s long run, the usually magnificent trails were strewn with debris from a vicious storm the night before. Parts were blocked completely by fallen trees. I knew with time the wind would blow away the leaves and smaller debris. But what about the fallen trees? Unless someone made the effort to move them, they would remain permanently and the path would be forever changed. It dawned on me that this is probably similar to someone who is dysfunctionally mean: a traumatic ‘storm’ swept through their life at some point, leaving permanent scars: Psychological damage severe enough to remain and fester over time, unless considerable effort is made to heal it.
The therapist likened mean people to snarling, feral dogs. The root of the meanness is often fear. I have compassion for neglected dogs, yet I stay well away from them. My challenge is to find compassion in my heart for my mean visitor and others like her.
Thanks for hanging with me on this one. I feel better already.
Do mean people get to you?
My giveaway ends tonight! Are you in?
First of all that trail picture looks amazing. I want to run there!
Second, dealing with people like that is so rough. There is literally no being right. I definitely haven’t mastered dealing with them. For me it’s a struggle not to rise to their bait.
I avoid meanness like the plague. It makes me uncomfortable and is senseless. Sounds simple, but I go back to what I was taught when I was a kid…”If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I do think there is value in constructive criticism but I don’t think the constructive part has been mastered by the masses yet. I try my best to be positive and upbeat…because life is so much better that way. 🙂 On a final note, I always remember this: “treat others how you wish to be treated”…again, simple, to the point, and makes sense, lol. I hope you’re less stressed now and running on the trails you do would certainly help lift my spirits too. 🙂
sounds like this person is family. Which sucks. There’s no question about it. It’s super easy to chose who you are around, and if someone isn’t nice and/or supportive -get rid of them. Family, on the other hand is a tough card to be drawn. You can’t get rid of them. They often hold the highest and toughest lessons we will have to learn in our lifetime.
I am so happy you are seeking help in this area, I loved seeing a therapist and reading self-help books. I’m glad you can run yourself through this.
I have found that there’s one thing people can’t argue with – and that’s feelings. Your feelings can never be wrong because they are your own. It’s true for you. Perhaps bring up how they make you feel. I am currently going through some family stuff and it’s great when you can find out everyone’s perspectives. It always makes me feel better. PLUS if that person chooses to disregard your feelings, then you know it’s not you – it’s them and you can move on 🙂
Life is one big lesson. I’m rooting for you 🙂 Love & Light!
Sounds like you had a rough weekend. It is so hard to deal with and understand people who act that way. I try to think of it similarly to you. Something had to have happened to change them drastically and they haven’t been strong enough to fix it. Festering wounds are so damaging. I try to limit my exposure as much as I can even if I have to cut people out completely. I know that is not always possible. Hope things are better now:)
This was a great article to get my week going. 🙂 I don’t deal with mean people very often but often enough. I think you make a good point about it rooting from a past experience or “storm”.
It’s good that you have running to take the edge off and to clear your mind. Running is so beneficial that way.
Good luck with your visitor! It’s too bad you have to deal with such a mean person. But I also pitty her. I hope she finds happiness and comfort sooner than later.
That stress would have shut me up too, I tend to bottle it all in… I love your analogy to the trail and debris. I think you’re absolutely right- mean people need compassion and can work through those issues. It takes a lot of work, and some very patient, compassionate friends/counselors. Hope you pounded out your frustration in that long run.
Ah – I know this feeling. I have one person in my life that I should be very close to – but I find that being around her too long causes immense stress and anxiety in my life. Sadly – that means trying to restrict contact as much as possible.
To be honest – since doing that I feel like a better person for being my own best friend and doing what makes me happy. Call me selfish – but my happiness matters!
Beautiful trail.
What you describes sounds like the visits I use to have with my mother-in-law…I understand how utterly draining being around a person like that can be. It took me a long time to realize I needed to set firm boundaries to limit my exposure – not always easy to do but it helped!
Hope your run provided you with some escape/calm/balance!
Great post!! I love it! I’m pretty good about not letting people bother me. I just try to pray for them because I think it’s be just awful living with such a mean heart! Hope u have a great day! SPALove!
Take care of yourself. Being around that is so stressful and just not good for us. Good for you for discovering it’s not you.
Great thoughts, Marcia. I tend to withdraw when I feel attacked, and that doesn’t always solve the problem. Remembering it is about them is good advice. I also find that if I am ever mean, it is ALWAYS about me – I am feeling anger or resentment that I don’t know how to adequately express. And you’re right – it gets better with age, but it still takes work.
It sounds like we both got to spend some time this weekend with the same person. When it comes to tolerating people like her I remind myself that people happy with themselves don’t treat other people that way so she must be one very unhappy individual.
Good for you for not letting it get to you. I dealt with something similar, and what was suggested to me was that I get an empty jar and a bag of pretty river rocks or marbles from the craft store. Every time I didn’t react to something the mean person said (such as, didn’t engage in their attempts at bait me into a fight, didn’t join in on the negativity, didn’t believe the negative thing they were saying about me, etc.) I got to put a rock in the jar. It’s a visible reminder of progress in dealing with this person/people and helps me see how far I’ve come.
I have been silent lately.. why? Because I have been dealing with this same issue.. the worst part is it some of my family members. I do limit my contact with them however, they constantly try to contact me with more of their misery. I will not be sucked in. They’re verbally abusive to me and when I try to establish boundaries they turn it around and say that it is me who has the problem. I love how you turn to the trails for healing and use the metaphor of the tree blocking the path. I can’t tell you what a relief it is to read this post. xoxo
This is such a great post. It’s so difficult to be able to really look within and try to heal and make changes, and I think that’s the difference between bitter people and happy ones. For me it was hard to get over the guilt of putting distance between myself and the negative people in my life, but I now practice what my good friend calls “forgiveness with boundaries.” Good for you for putting the “work” in and making your life what you want it to be! I love your trail analogy, too 🙂
I completely agree with you about mean people and why they are mean. I usually just laugh it off and remember they must be hurting 10 times more than the hurt they were trying to inflict on me, just like you are saying.
I know of whom this mean person is you speak of and so sorry you had to endure that this weekend. You have come so far with this whole situation since I’ve met you…how strong you are!!
xo
Well stated. I do believe that the ‘mean gene’ has grown over the years with many people. Hopefully, I will not acquire that gene.
Good post. Thanks for sharing
ahh yess the mean person…sometimes i think they know they are being mean, other times I wonder if they just don’t realize how they come off when they say things. I have tried the kill em with kindness thing and sometimes it works but man it takes a lot of effort!! otherwise I practice avoidance 🙂
I am sorry you had such a mean visitor! I would react the same way. Mean people make me want to shut off from the world. I dream about lashing back but that is just not how I am.
this is always tough. i struggle with family members like this and the anxiety it causes is terrible. years of therapy have helped though. i’m glad you have running as an outlet!
oh boy…yes I do let them get to me. I anticipates the worst and it always happens…and I am pretty sure your meany is the same as mine. Mine does not come to my home anymore though…but she still causes pain. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.
When I saw the title of this I was pretty sure I knew exactly who it was about. I have an ex one of those who’s pretty awful. Like you said, I think so much of meanness comes from an innate dissatisfaction with self, but I think there are also just some people with a nasty core. I use a combination of ignoring, avoidance, and intentionally reframing things in the best possible understanding.
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What a fantastic reflection on people and how to deal with it.
That trail looks like something out of a movie – gorgeous!
I read this a while ago, but I wanted to come back and comment. Sorry you had to go through that, but thanks for the post – it really spoke to me, and I thought about it a lot recently. I try really hard to let mean comments roll off of me, but the truth is, I let them fester. Even when they probably weren’t even intended as mean. I need to work on letting that go. Can’t change others, only our reaction, right?