It’s International Women’s Day–a celebration of women and their political, economic and social achievements. Sounds good right? This post is timely because it’s about empowering our kids, especially girls, and an issue that’s been in my craw lately. Recently I’ve been quite active on the figure skating scene, in a coaching/mentoring capacity, which I love.
It’s competition season and the kids are working diligently. In some, the competitive fire burns so brightly, they are driven to practice multiple times daily. Others maintain their usual once-a-week lesson, maybe even skipping some of those. Everyone’s goals are different. No surprise there.
Nothing makes my heart swell more than watching kids realize the correlation between hard work, commitment and realizing their dreams.
Nothing makes my heart ache more than watching well-intentioned parents unwittingly rob the joy out of the experience. How do they do this? By comparing their kids to others.
One parent wanted an eleventh hour coaching change “because so and so is landing x jump and my daughter is not.”
Her daughter skates one hour a week. The person she compared her daughter to skates exponentially more. I’m not even going to get into the issues of natural ability, passion, motivation, resources, etc. They are unique to each individual.
Would this particular skater improve with more practice? Without a doubt.
Does she need an additional coach? Highly unlikely.
It’s human nature to look at others and compare/contrast ourselves. It gets dicey when this practice either diminishes or elevates our self-image. It becomes dangerous when we extend this behavior to our kids.
How many times have we seen runners satisfied with their performance until they realize others ran faster? Someone proud of hitting a weight loss milestone until they learn someone else lost more? We know there will always be someone faster, slimmer, prettier, with a bigger house, etc. What others do is irrelevant to our personal situation. So why should it impact the way we feel about ourselves or our kids?
All parents want the best for their kids. However, comparing them to others on a very unlevel playing field is not the way to get it. It would be far more constructive if this mom compared where her daughter is now to where she was 6 months, one year and two years ago. Navigating those tween/teen years is hard enough. Lets celebrate our perfectly imperfect selves and pass that wisdom on to our children.
Great points Marcia!
We’re in the middle of hockey tryouts and my town is a “crazy hockey town” so it’s been insane to watch parents constantly comparing their kids to others and worrying about who ends up on which squad (and we’re talking 9 and 10 yrs olds!) It can be so destructive!
It’s so sad to see parents who don’t realize how demoralizing their comments/actions can be for their children. 🙁
Your kids are lucky that you have the right perspective.
You are a great mother! I tend to compare myself to others in yoga all the time. I’ve blocked it out by closing my eyes more recently and focusing on ME – thus improving my own practice. I LOVE that you’re teaching your children great values!
I was a bit of a slacker and procrastinator growing up and didn’t understand why I couldn’t just lace up and win meets like my varsity peers. I always chalked it up to supernatural abilities that I’d never acquire. It was my dad who had to drill it into me that we never “get” anything. As in, I won’t “get” 1st place, I won’t “get” an A on a paper – those things have to be earned!
Couldn’t agree more, Marcia! As my husband always tell me (and the kids), “Keep your eyes on your own paper.”
You are preaching to the choir here!
And pushy parents drive me nuts. It pretty much sucks all the fun out of it for the kid.
This was absolutely perfect! So well said. I am a twin and have been compared to someone my entire life. This has lead me to be very competitive and constantly comparing myself to others even though in my head I know this is not what leads to happiness. I appreciate the reminder of not measuring up to someone else’s yard stick.
Hey, I finally found you at your new spot. Nice!! Congrats on your new digs. I was wondering if you decided to sign up for Marine Corps Marathon, but since you didn’t mention it I’m guessing you didn’t. I heard it filled up in 2 hours. I’m looking forward to following at your new home!
So true, so very true!
What a great post. I grew up with this. I love that quote, and now that I am a mother I work very hard to realize the difference, and give praise appropriately!
I like this post! I’m glad my parents never compared me and my brother to other swimmers growing up! Plus, they never pushed us to continue to do something, we had the motivation and drive to keep doing it ourselves. If we stopped having that motivation, our parents supported us in any decision we made (and they still do).
I try to not compare myself to other runners and just focus on improving. It’s fun to look back and see how far I have come in such a short amount of time!