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My first full hour of myofascial release with Notorious, Dr. Miracle’s partner in, well, miracles, started off with what looked like a mini yoga mat covered in
…wait for it…
…on second thought, make sure you’re sitting down…
…needles.
If you’re joining us late and need to know what the heck I’m talking about, please catch up here.
There I laid, relaxed as a piece of petrified lumber, longing for some new-age gong music or at least some eucalyptus scent since this was costing $$$, when Notorious introduced me to the mat, saying in his heavy accent (he’s Romanian BTW, more on that in a sec) “Today I talk to you about nels.” That’s nails to you and I. Yes, nails.
Now it wasn’t one of these shakti mats. No, there was nothing pleasantly lotus-shaped or plastic about the NAILS on Notorious’s mat.
I wish I had a pic of it. Next time, I’ll take one when he leaves me to disrobe change, now that I know where he hides keeps it.
At first sight of the needle-covered torture implement, my mind raced in many directions:
1. Outwardly, I struggled to keep composure, hesitated and stammered um…oh..ok..
2. Inside: Fight or flight: Look for the nearest exit and flee. There’s the door but the window is closer.
3. Try to keep an open mind. Surely this won’t kill me. And if it does, what a way to go down. Life is all about new experiences right?
4. I wonder if that contraption has any miraculous anti-cellulite powers?
Me: Um, soooooo what is this for again?
Notorious: We use to bring endorphins into the area.
Me: Why didn’t you just tell me to run here? I can bring plenty of endorphins to the area.
Notorious is having none of my humor. So I lift my angry butt cheek and hammy and Notorious lays down his mat of terror, puts a thin sheet atop the nails (I suspect all the better to soak up the gushing blood) and slowly lowers me down where I will remain for 15 minutes.
Then to Bela. Who, long before defecting to the US and becoming famous for coaching the likes of Mary Lou Retton and Carrie Strugg, brought the Romanian Gymnastic team to Olympic victory. Being the Olympic sycophant that I am, I am digging Notorious and his bed of nails more and more, even though it is less than comfortable to say the least.
Notorious went on about the benefits of therapeutic massage, myofascial release and how much better the US elite runners have performed since incorporating it, etc. Yes, yes, all very compelling, but how much blood is dripping out of me?
If you thought merely lying on nails was a treat, wait til you try to get them out of you off of them. Ever so slowly, Notorious peeled my ass cheek and thigh off the mat and wiped away the blood from a billion and two puncture wounds. I’m pretty sure he was wringing out the blood soaked sheet somewhere under the table but cannot verify.
I may have been lightheaded at this point and was desperate for a pack of Lorna Doones like they give out after donating blood. Ok I’m exaggerating…somewhat…there may have been less than a billion punctures…maybe more like 6.
With the bloodletting out of the way, Notorious tested my flexibility (or lack thereof) by taking each of my legs, one at a time, up as far as I could stand. Read not terribly far.
Next, a hard, dry pummeling deep massage ensued. Far from pleasant, but somehow I was spared cardiac arrest. Notorious found the rupture in my hamstring and worked on tearing down the, according to him, ‘massive ball’ of scar tissue.
Afterward he retested my flexibility by yanking each leg up (to his credit, they went up considerably higher) until I whimpered through clenched teeth.
Notorious: “Where is pen?”
Me: Pen? What pen? I might have one in my purse…
N: No, PEN!
Me: Oh pain!!! You mean PAIN!
Miraculously there was no pain in my butt or hamstrings but rather my achilles. Frankly I’d much rather have him pummel my achilles than my ass so good news!
N: Next time we work, we do more achilles.
There you have it.
Rehab in progress.
My run the day after my session with Notorious was a bit dicey but since then, the duration of the cattle-prod butt pain is progressively less. I’ve even had a couple of pain-free runs. I’ve also been able to sit for hours in the car or on planes without my butt going into convulsions. This to me is huge progress. I have not, however, dared press the accelerator just yet. I have two speeds: slow and slower. I am amazed by the difference the myofascial release is making though.
